That’s the thought of the year for me. Many things have defined me during my life. Being a mom. Being a wife. Trying to be the person of the call. Ministry. Expectations of other people. Just to name a few.
At the end of the last year I realized that I wasn’t the person I thought I was. Most of the decisions I had done were either because of unrealistic expectations I had for myself or because of what other people said or thought I should do. I realized that I had lived most of my life thinking that I’m the one who is wrong if someone is. If there was a disagreement I was to blame. I didn’t question those whom I loved and respected. I thought even God would be on their side and if I disagreed I would be left alone. I didn’t see myself very valuable and I took all blame on me. Mostly I did it quietly and many have thought I blamed someone else. I don’t think people around me really knew or know how much quilt and blame I have carried inside of me. I never let that stop me and I have always kept pressing forward regardless of my feelings.
During my life many people have rejected me, starting from my dad in my early years. On the moments and times when I the most needed friends around me, they chose to leave and walk away. Perhaps they didn’t know how to handle the situation and it was too much. Or perhaps they weren’t real friends. I started to believe there is something very wrong in me and I myself ended up to reject me. I guess that was the worst thing anybody could do themselves. If I didn’t see myself valuable and important, how could anybody else. I hardened myself and pretended I was okay and would keep walking.
The last year was the hardest of all. In the end of the year I found myself alone. By alone I mean there wasn’t that dearest and closest friend next to me with whom I could talk and share my thoughts. Everything had shifted. At that moment I realized, I mean truly found that Truth that God will never abandon me, I felt freedom. My parents can abandon me. My friends can do it. I myself can do it. But He simply can’t because it’s against His Word and His Nature. Even if I run from Him, He won’t leave me. When I was sitting in that Truth Him revealing Himself to me in a deeper way than before I fathomed how unique and loved I was and I am. And how He really and truly created me to be me. I have thought and read and heard those words so many times over years, but even though some people around me looked for that they didn’t really give me room to grow in it. I knew in my heart that I can count on God.
One person few weeks ago told me that father is meant to help a child to grow her/his wings and to learn to fly. My dad never did that for me because he wasn’t there. I grew up without dad or any man in my life. When I heard it I thought how huge responsibility God has trusted for fathers. And how big is a chance that they won’t succeed in it. But the more I thought it the more I saw that no man can do it without God. And He is my Father to do it. Even if my earthly father failed, God will never fail in this or in anything else. He will help me to find my voice, to grow my wings, to spread them and to fly and soar. There is the voice in me ready to come out. It has been there all along, but I didn’t believe it. This year will be for me to grow my wings, to fly and soar, to find my voice and let it come out.